isamazed

Title: A new person
Author: isamazed
Word count: approx. 1,850
Characters: pre-Nick/Connor, Ryan, Lester, mention of Abby
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. I only write for fun…
A/N: Written for telperion_15's Valentine's Day Gift Box 2022 on primeval_denial. The prompts I used were 1) It's a truth universally acknowledged and 2) New Year's resolutions.

A big Thank You goes to goldarrow for the speedy beta!

It was a truth universally acknowledged that Connor was annoying.

He was nerdy. He was excitable. He regularly blurted out what he was thinking without a filter. He had a tendency to get obsessed with topics that interested him. He was socially awkward and his fashion choices were slightly eccentric.

He was annoying the people around him.

He knew that.

So he vowed that this year, he would change.

He'd restrain his excitement, put on a calm demeanour and only speak up when asked or if he had something substantial to contribute. He wouldn't harass everyone with what he was researching all the time and he would dress more casually and in muted colours. He wouldn't overwhelm the people around him with his personality.

He would become someone they would like and enjoyed having around. And maybe Cutter wouldn't look at him with disappointment in his eyes anymore.

After spilling his secrets to his friends which ultimately resulted in his friend's Tom's death and Connor being shunned from the ARC, he knew that being allowed back was his second and final chance to work on what could easily become the most important project of modern scientific history. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He'd only need to become a completely different person.

# # # #

Connor stuck to his resolutions and for the first few weeks everything was going well. He earned a few compliments from Cutter for his contributions, a lot less snark and reprimands from Lester and Abby didn't seem to mind his presence when he worked quietly in the lab alongside her.

He was elated. It was working!

But then people started staring at him again whenever they thought he wouldn't notice.

At first, he thought he'd imagined it but it happened again and again.

Connor wrecked his brain what he'd done wrong now. He looked down at himself but the shirt and trousers he wore were non-descript. No one could take offence at the grey long-sleeved Henley and the casual pair of jeans. He'd even shaved his stubble off because he'd realised that it earned him a few raised eyebrows, too.

He thought back to the most recent meetings. He'd been quiet and restrained himself even when the words wanted to tumble out of his mouth with wild theories over one question or another. He'd kept his own updates short and simple. He'd pitched in when he had something valuable to add but otherwise, he just blended in.

On the anomaly shouts he'd obediently followed Captain Ryan's instructions, taken his readings quietly and only stepped closer to test out a few ideas or theories when the current anomaly was declared safe by the soldiers. He hadn't stood in the way and doubled his efforts to help carry the equipment to and from the vehicles.

But still, it wasn't enough.

He wasn't enough.

He wondered if he'd ever be.

# # # #

„You okay, lad?“

Cutter had asked him to join him in his lab after the latest team meeting. Connor had assumed it was to discuss a new theory of his but now he felt completely ambushed.

„Yes?“

No. He wasn't fine, not really. He was slowly losing himself while bending over backwards to meet their expectations, and it still wasn't enough. He was on the verge of crying more often than not.

„You sure?“ Cutter looked at him suspiciously. „I know it must be hard, losing your friend like that. But you did the best you could. You were there for him in his final moments.“

Tears sprang to Connor's eyes. He didn't want to talk about that at all. It was just another mistake he'd made and it had ended deadly. He'd cost his friend his life.

But it served as a reminder why he needed to be a different person.

He snuffled and dabbed at his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt.

„Thanks. I do miss him. But I am fine, thanks for asking.“

Connor turned on his heels and fled the room.

# # # #

„Everything alright, mate?“

Captain Ryan casually leaned against the tree next to the folding table that held Connor's field laptop and a few gadgets he was trying to get to work that would hopefully be useful in the future.

„Hm? Why wouldn't it?“ Connor's heart sped up but he kept his eyes glued to the screen where he was typing away on the keyboard to add their new findings.

„Dunno,“ Ryan shrugged. „You've been a bit quiet lately.“

„Yeah? Didn't notice,“ Connor still refused to look at the man and busied himself at the computer to try and avoid this conversation.

He wasn't ready to face more disappointment and unfulfilled expectations.

Not from Ryan who was always so stoic and matter-of-fact.

He felt the soldier's gaze linger on him a bit longer. Then the man tightened the grip on his rifle that had been dangling casually in front of his belly and stepped away to chat with his squad while they waited out this anomaly.

# # # #

„Ah, Mr Temple, please take a seat,“ Lester straightened a stack of papers on his desk and then leaned back to give his full attention to Connor.

Sweat immediately broke out on Connor's forehead.

Whenever he'd been called into Lester's office before it had been for a reprimand or worse. But he hadn't done anything wrong this time, had he? Nothing that was bad enough to be told off, or worse, get fired. Again.

His stomach lurched at the thought.

Lester didn't say anything else and just stared at him.

Connor felt the urge to explain himself, to prove how dedicated he was to this project, how much work he was putting into it. But he restrained himself.

No babbling, no babbling, no babbling.

He repeated what had become his mantra in his head.

Lester still didn't say a word, just watched him.

Connor swallowed and Lester narrowed his eyes.

„Is there something you want to tell me, Mr Temple?“ Lester finally asked.

„Uhm, no?“

What would Connor want to tell him? Lester headed all their meetings, so he was up-to-date with his research and whatever happened on the anomaly shouts.

Had Connor accidentally violated some crazy regulation he didn't even know about? He couldn't get shucked off the project again, not now that he'd –

Lester cleared his throat and that brought Connor back to the present.

„It's been noticed that your behaviour has considerably changed. If there's too much pressure on this project for –„

„No!“ Connor practically shouted. „It's not too much pressure. I am doing fine! I'm fine. It's fine! You can't fire me!“ Oh my god, this wasn't happening, was it?

„Mr Temple, would you please calm down,“ Lester raised an eyebrow. „No one is firing anyone. I am only suggesting you talk to someone about whatever is bothering you. We can't afford any distractions. So, if you need to talk to someone, I am sure we can arrange for an approved professional for you to speak to, or you could talk to one of your team members, or even me.“

Lester looked like he'd be physically sick at the final suggestion.

„No, that won't be necessary,“ Connor stood and wrung his hands. „Thank you, sir.“

He didn't wait for Lester's reply and practically ran from the room to hide in his lab.

# # # #

It was well past midnight when a knock on the door to his lab drew Connor's attention away from the device he was tinkering with.

It was Cutter leaning in the doorway. He looked tired with shadows under his eyes and his hair a mess where he'd run his hands through it too often.

Connor could relate. He was tired to his bones, too. The anomaly shout earlier this day had been exhausting and gruesome and had only hardened his resolve to make this bloody thing work to prevent future situations going downhill like that. Connor was pretty sure his eyes were bloodshot and his hands shook slightly from too much caffeine and too little sleep.

„Can I talk to you for a moment, Connor?“ The older man stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

Connor shrugged. It wasn't like he was truly given a choice here, right? If he had one, he'd totally put this off until tomorrow when hopefully he wouldn't feel quite that brittle.

Cutter sat down on a stool opposite Connor's workbench. The two men looked at each other quietly, and Cutter sighed.

„Listen, I know you've already told me that you're fine but... We're just worried about you, okay? You've become awfully quiet and... you're just not our Connor anymore. If there's anything we can do – I can do – please tell me, okay? I just want you to be yourself again. We miss you. I miss you.“

Cutter looked at him almost pleadingly while Connor's brain came to a screeching halt.

He – They – What? They missed him? They wanted him to act like he used to? But they'd hated it! Hated him. He was annoying them all the time!

„But you don't even like me!“ The words tumbled out of his mouth without his approval, and he immediately wished he could take them back.

Cutter looked gutted.

He stood and stepped around the workbench until he was in front of Connor. He settled his hands on Connor's shoulders and waited patiently until Connor met his gaze.

„That's not true, Connor. I am so sorry that we've made you think that.“ He smiled at him sadly. „We'll do better in the future, I promise. Just please don't ever think you're not wanted here. We do want you here. We need you here. I need you here.“

„No, you don't, not really.“ Connor turned his head and looked away. “You just put up with me because I already knew about the anomalies.”

„I do, in more ways than one,“ Cutter softly squeezed his shoulders. „Would you please look at me?“

He waited Connor out again but once their gazes met again, he spoke again, quietly, with clarity and a strong voice.

„You're an asset for this team. You're an incredibly knowledgeable palaeontologist, you're a gifted engineer and an amazing expert at all things electronic. You're smart and your amazing brain makes connections quicker than anyone I know. You were born for science and experiments. How could anyone not see this?“ Cutter paused a moment to draw a deep breath and his eyes softened a bit. „You're also loyal, funny, dedicated and caring. You're quick to put the needs of others before your own – too quick sometimes maybe. So don't ever think we don't want you here, okay?“

Connor nodded, dazed. Did they really think of him like that? It was mind-blowing.

„Good,“ Cutter smiled and took a step back. He clapped a hand on Connor's shoulder. „How about you call it a day now and catch some sleep? The morning will be here in no time.“

With one more gentle squeeze of his shoulder, Cutter let go and exited the room.

Connor stared after him for a few moments before a huge grin broke out on his face.